


Nazi has an identity crisis at night

by IAmSad



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: First Person Narrator, Gen, MIGHT be kinda ooc, Nazi being anti-semitic to himself, One-Shot, TW: Misgendering, TW: Self Harm, tw: antisemitism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28967730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmSad/pseuds/IAmSad
Summary: The title says all.Edit: Chapter two has spoilers for 8:33, the director's cut. Can't believe it's over y'all
Relationships: None
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

Ancom was everything I despited. A man, if you can even still call him that, who lost himself in degeneracy. He did whatever he liked, smoke pot, fuck more than one person at a time, these not even being his wives, oh, and, have I mentioned masturbating? When I once walked in on him I almost expected him to not even cover it up and invite me. Because like, he already fucked everyone in his weird anarchist commune, so what big difference would that be? Weirdly, me walking in on him masturbating was embarrassing for him. Walking around like a bitch in a skirt wasn't embarrassing, but this was? There was no way of understanding Ancom.

I rolled to the other side of my bed. The mattress felt hard. And while I did that, I realized that I didn't just despise Ancom. While his degeneracy was disgusting, there was something about him, quim, that was actually kinda appealing. It was not the short bright green skirt or the addicting laugh. No, it rather was Ancom's ability to do whatever qui wanted and not feel bad about it. Qui always felt like qui was in the right, which qui of course wasn't, but it allowed quim into a world far bigger than I even wanted to imagine. 

... Wanted? Didn't I also enter this world after realizing I'm a Jew? But then why didn't it feel relieving as Ancom makes it out to be?

I pulled my hand up, looked at it. I could barely see it in the dark. Usually, one would hear the front door of the house open now. Ancom always came back late at night. Then Tankie's kinda mad parenting speech would begin. Eventually leading to silence. It also was silent now, but for some reason, it wasn't as relaxing as it was with the other extremists. 

I should be grateful to be with the other nationalists. Should feel pride in being the leader of the group. And be happy to be part of the leading race. The Jews basically control the world!

The silence was almost deafening as I tried to sleep, but I simply couldn't. Pictures of my life before becoming an ideology flew into my head. I held the gun tightly into my grip. Raised it proudly as it was commanded to me. And finally triggered without second thoughts. The Jew in front of me, and the others on his side, fell into the hole that they had dug themselves. The hole we forced them to dig. We did this process more than once. It almost became a habit, but before it actually could become a habit it stopped and two years later I heard about the rumors of the concentration camps.

My breath hitched and I opened my eyes again. After all this time, I had been a Jew myself. The leading race of the world? Really? Did I really deserve to live in an ethnostate with the very people I have killed? Multiple times. While also feeling good about it? No, no, no. Something's wrong here. So very wrong.

I jumped off my bed, turned on the lights, and looked at myself in the mirror. I tried to imagine a manly and strong Aryan, but once released to the truth, I couldn't. Especially the rings under my eyes annoyed me. It made me look weak. I picked up my hat from next to me, put it on (like it still held any meaning), and then slowly ran my finger down my nose. Goddamn, that nose.

I'm a fucking hypocrite. I could deny being Jewish all I wanted. I could deny wanting to indulge in degeneracy all I wanted. BUT, one thing would never change. And that very thing were my beliefs. Those beliefs taught me that all of this was so very wrong. That's right, I'm goddamn disgusting. A manipulative Jew. So manipulative in fact, that I manipulated myself into believing that I'm White. And then spreading my degeneracy to other Whites while pretending to be White!

I punched the mirror. Hard. It broke instantly. Shards cut through my skin and dug into my flesh. It left a painful sensation through my hand and I bit my lips. Slowly I turned my hand around to look at the mess I made and watched as the blood slowly came out. This should have been my wake-up call. My call to stop this whole thing and go back to sleep. The call to just ignore my thoughts and pretend that everything was okay, but the pain was in a way comforting.

I knew that someone like me, a Jew, didn't deserve any better. A few minutes after just standing there like a retard, I finally took the shards out of my hands. I put them all to the side except one. That one I let run over my arm once more. And another time. And again. Again. I colored the shard a beautiful red. Red. Tankie. Was he still with Jreg? I finally stopped my hand movements and looked down at my arm.

Fuck. It was a total mess. What did I do? That was past degeneracy. That was straight-up mentally ill. And not to mention incredible weak. I need to get rid of the evidence.

I cleaned up quickly. This was all Conservative's fault. I wish I never found out the truth. When I finally went to bed, I was utterly exhausted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just saw Centricide 8:33/director's cut and saw how bad blue man almost really gave himself the bullet. I remembered this fanfic I made and thought to myself: "What if he wouldn't have gotten that call? Or, what if they called one second later?" Well, here it is.

The days felt long, unsatisfying. It felt like every day that passed, I didn't accomplish anything at all. And every time when I look at my fellow nationalists, I can't share the same pride and excitement about the whole idea of "everyone gets their own ethnostate" any longer.

I, in a sense, even already got my own ethnostate now. Shouldn't that make me happy? Not really. It's so different from what I would have expected it to be. In my dreams, there were classic beautiful German buildings, families with blonde children, and a strong military army that would always protect the borders. And, when justified and needed, expand those borders. And especially unwelcome would be the j- ...

Fuck this. Ever since I found out my true identity, I have realized I will have none of that. Ever. And I didn't deserve it either. Ever. I'm degenerating faster than anyone I have ever seen and why? Because I'm a Jew. An Aryan would never let himself sink that low.

Ughhh. I slapped my hands into my face and let myself fall back on my bed while looking at the ceiling. The room was completely dark. Today, during the daily meeting, I just left like a pussy after Homonat stared a bit too intense at me. Was it that weird that I wore long sleeve clothing now? Really?

Actually, it was. Short sleeves aren't the only thing I lost. Yes, I didn't just lose my pride, I also lost my charm. I lost my connection to, what I thought was, my homeland. I lost that, what made me, me. I can't even tell anyone about this. They wouldn't even understand, because they don't understand the biology behind races. They deny it. And everyone who actually believes in race realism, as I do... Well, the answer was clear. They would tell me to off myself.

It's understandable, really, I have been thinking a lot about this lately. As I laid there, I ran my fingers under my sleeves and let them brush over the little red elevations in my skin. The cuts were irritated and red, as I have not cleaned them properly. I wouldn't have deserved that. So it burned when I brushed over them. I closed my eyes and imagined real flames to be around me and how they would swallow me whole. Flames from ovens that never existed, but should have. Should have. ... No. I always forget. It DID happen. I even participated in it, back then, when I had been a human. 

I opened my eyes again. For a moment I thought about picking up my phone and calling Tankie or Ancap. Heck, maybe even Ancom. And just tell them how I felt and ask for their advice. But, in the end, I knew it wouldn't change anything about the truth. I would always stay this... Abomination. Centricide? Ethnostates? Perversion of culture? Laughable! What culture? The Jewish one?! ...

After I sat up again, I picked up my favorite Glock. The gun felt heavy in my hands. My body always has had a rather cold temperature and the gun wasn't any better. Slowly and a bit hesitant, I unlocked the safety catch. This, this was the only honorable thing I could do. I should do it now. Now before I degenerate even further. I don't want people to see me as weak. That would be even worse. No, never! I'm weak, yes, but I shall never show my weakness. I will be that one Jew. That one Jew that knew the truth. I would do the right thing for the better of the superior race.

As I pressed the gun firmly against my head, my mind was filled with memories. Surprisingly, not about the Third Reich or similar, instead I thought about the three extremists. My... kinda friends? Did they ever see me as a friend? And just for a moment, I allowed myself to really miss them. Tankie. Ancap. Even Ancom. For a moment I allowed myself to wish that one of them would call right now and stop me. I wished one of them would just hug me, tell me I was okay, that all of the race stuff was bullshit, that I'm just being an idiot and that they don't hate me. I felt tears in my eyes. My heart stung. I wanted the pain to stop. The feeling was unbearable, no, everything was. Finally, I pressed my finger against the trigger.

...

What I truly have wished for, hidden behind what I deemed was the right thing to do (but didn't really want to do), never happened. But that was okay. Because I really didn't deserve so. But maybe not because I'm a Jew. Maybe I didn't deserve so because Ancap, Ancom, and Tankie all have deserved better than having to deal with my stupid shit. I have never been nice to them. I have always been an asshole. And especially did I deserve this for being a hypocrite. When I put that bullet through my brain, I realized I wasn't a bad person, because I'm a Jew, but that I was a bad person because I am ME. And that acknowledgment was so much worse. 

...

The other nationalists were in the middle of a discussion as they heard a gunshot. Then silence overcame the building. A phone began ringing a few seconds later. With confusion in their eyes, the remaining nationalists walked over to Nazi's room, not ready yet for what they would find there.

**Author's Note:**

> Please never hurt yourself! <3


End file.
